My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
