Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
