yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize