We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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