I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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