My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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