Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
