I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
