I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
