Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
