were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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