my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
