you win again, gameday.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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