Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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