my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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