Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
