He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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