the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Dignity is for republicans.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Randomize
