That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
