She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize