i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I pour the whiskey from now on
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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