call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
