everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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