He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
