i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
