It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Randomize
