ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize