I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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