Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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