you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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