i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
