i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
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