Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
