If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
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