went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
