why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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