I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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