i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
