At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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