is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
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