We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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