no, he came in my armpit
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
