Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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