I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize