I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
