sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
