Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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