did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
