Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
