The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
