Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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