1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I think i got beer on your cat.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
