a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
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