Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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