just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
