Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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