based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
