is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
