I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
