who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
