You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
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