did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
