Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
