he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
