I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Sorry my hands just texted you
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
