I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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