Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
